I “looked and behold, the glory of the Lord appeared in the cloud” (Exodus 16:10).
I wondered why I felt strange this morning when I first got up. And then I realized that today is the fourth anniversary of my late wife’s death.
I started this post with a verse that tells us God is in the thick dark clouds of our experiences, even today. Now I would like to relate how I saw God in some of our darkest clouds, and share with you a small piece of our amazing story.
I have realized that somehow, no matter how bad things got, I never doubted her love for me, nor did she ever doubt my love for her. Because we always reminded one another of our love for each other. Every day.
I remember one time, in my typical humorous manner, I asked her:
“Hon, do you ever get sick of me saying I love you?”
To which she replied with a smile:
“No. Please tell me again hon.”
Later, when she could no longer respond, it was just me reminding her. I made a point of telling her each time I went into the room to do some aspect of her care. Or sometimes when I was just sitting with her, she would smile when I said it.
Exactly four years ago today she died in my arms, thus helping me to keep my promise to stay with her until the very end. I know many people who have serious regrets now because they did not say certain things to their lost loved ones. I have immense gratitude in my heart for our love story. Our experience. And how that love carried us both through all the way to the end. We wrote our own love story. No one else wrote it for us. Although there are a couple things I am sure we would both do a little differently, there are no regrets. Not one.
Enclosed is a picture of a pond where we used to go and watch the ducks. I even took her there sometimes in a wheel chair. Those were the most loving moments of our relationship. I would have great fun teasing her that she was interfering with my photography because she would always wrap her arms around me when we went there and it was impossible to take photographs of ducks or anything else when that was going on!
This pond was very important to us for it symbolized the kind of true love that is possible if people would choose it. It reminded us of the still mountain lake, where I often hiked, that runs so deep. In fact I called our love “still water love” because unlike the shallow rocky rivers that never stayed the same, the still mountain lake was steady, faithful, always there. Never failing or flowing away from us. We sometimes thought of how there are these two kinds of love. One, the shallow rocky river, undependable, fast moving, shallow, and hard to walk in, and flowing away from us. But, the still water kind of love, that runs so deep, well, nothing could interfere with it. I am guessing this is why the Bible says “God is love” and “Love never fails.” (1 John 4:8, 1 Cor 13:8)
I appreciate very much how the Book Of Heaven describes what I am talking about:
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. (Psalms 23:2)
Any disturbance or intruder scares sheep. Especially something like fast moving water. They are very fearful animals and cannot lie down unless all is quiet, and calm. But they are always totally secure by “still waters.” God’s provision of “still waters” has a soothing effect and calms the sheep. According to my experience in being a caregiver for 5 years with my late wife, Still Water Love runs deeper than death itself.
Our still water love ran so deep that even death could not erase it. And this is the “unspeakable gift” (2 Cor 9:15) that God has given to us all,in His Son Jesus Christ. I can imagine that it is called “unspeakable” because very few human words or thoughts could adequately describe this kind of love.
One small part of our love story happened during the last Christmas we had together. She was in hospital and so I made a full Christmas dinner for two with all the trimming and brought it to her in the hospital. Try as she might, she was unable to eat or drink any of it. But we toasted anyways and she seemed happy to watch me enjoy the dinner. I was starving after all that cooking! But at the end of it all, as I was putting things away into the coolers, she held my arm for a minute and said
“Hon, thank you. That was such a good dinner.”
That is how my human words would describe the kind of still water love I am talking about here.
In the 23rd Psalm we are lovingly reminded that God Himself desires to lead us to the still waters that are always available to us all.
“He leads me beside the still waters,” (Psalms 23:2)
As I said earlier, I can think of no regrets. I am happy that I chose God to shepherd my late wife and I to the green pastures, and the still waters where all can find true rest for the soul. The resurrection promise where we would see each other again was our “little light in every cloud.”
In my experiences, I have been finding new ways with each passing year to realize how our great Shepherd leads us to the green meadows and to the still water love where we know we are loved and where we find restoration by going the Shepherds way.
Never before was there such a general knowledge of Jesus as when He hung upon the cross. He was lifted up from the earth, to draw everyone to Him. Into the hearts of many who beheld that crucifixion scene, and who heard Christ’s words, was the light of truth to shine. With John they would proclaim:
“Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.”
Present there at the gruesome scene on Calvary were those who never rested until, searching the Scriptures and comparing passage with passage, they saw the meaning of Christ’s mission. They saw that free forgiveness was provided by Him whose tender mercy embraced the whole world. They read the prophecies regarding Christ, and the promises so free and full, pointing to the still water love that runs so deep.
In everyone who seeks for Still Water Love, we may behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us that we might be called the sons and daughters of God. This love, like the sacred fire on altars of old, burns on the altar of the heart today. It was on the earth that the love of God was revealed through Jesus.
It is on the earth that His children are invited and enabled to choose, then reflect this still water love in their own, personal, lived experience. Thus all can be led to the cross to behold the Lamb of God in all His glory. I saw Him there the day she died in my arms. When I put her down on the bed, she was white, still, quiet. She looked peaceful. After not being opened for weeks before she died, her eyes were wide open, and looking right at me. It seemed as though the very Light from Heaven was in that room then. It was so light that I couldn’t cry or react. I just stood there in amazement. Was this the last thing she did? To look at me? That would definitely be another example of “Still Water Love.”
Today, I can only exclaim:
“Amazing! The height and depth of the love of Christ. The deep mountain lake of His love stronger than death itself!”
My friends: still water love isn’t going anywhere. Unlike the shallow rocky rivers here in the mountains that flow away from us, the still waters of the deep mountain lake are always there, and even for the next relationships that we form later on.
Jesus said once “I, if I be lifted up will draw all people unto Me.” (John 12:32) Jesus, The Good Shepherd wants to lead us through all the dark clouds to the amazing heights and depths of His love. “herein is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son to be our Still Water place. And I found that that “place” is actually a Person.
Behold what manner of love the father has given unto me and my late wife that we should not only be called but also treated like the children of God.(1 John 4:10, 1 John 3:1)
This concludes my personal story about the “unspeakable gift.” I have never doubted God’s love the whole time that I was her caregiver. Because in many ways similar to the above, God reminded me every day.