I have re-written this article to reflect on some recent thoughts I have had.
Little Flowers In The Rain
“…the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose…” (Isa 35:1)
This is a time of year when I think the most of my late wife, Donna. One of the reasons is that autumn was her favorite time of year. We both made it special, because of all the beautiful colors. And then there was always The harvest Moon. She passed away in my arms on the night of the full moon, i can almost feel her beside me when its a full moon. Her sweet laugh, her sparkling eyes, her kiss, and her arms around me. No, it’s not a sad time for me really. Its a time of reflection, gratitude. And desire to move forward with all the love that we had, all the love that remains in my heart. None of that ‘died.”
My sister from another Province texted me a message a while ago. She has lost a husband and a daughter to cancer, is remarried now. Part of the text message read as follows:
“Think of grief as a journey, highs, lows, beautiful refreshing meadows,,,cold, dark paths sometimes; but remember “through the valley..” (re Psalms 23) and “thou art with me…” and one day you will realize with strength for your future…”
I had to agree with my sister, especially the comment about
“beautiful, refreshing meadows.”
Some who know me well will recognize that I like flowers. Of course, many others have said things like “guys are not supposed to like flowers.”
Yet I have felt drawn to them since I was a little boy, picking Dandelions to make my Mom a Dandelion Necklace. I remember “the smile that melted,” [me] that my Mom would have on her face whenever I presented her with some gift that I had made for her out of flowers that I would find while playing outside. Sometimes, I think, I would just make her something out of those little flowers, just to see that smile one more time.
And then came the day when I discovered Hollyhocks. Beautiful bright colors of every kind. Mom really liked those things I made. I even made her a Tiara once. All I knew was the happy look on her face when I gave her my latest creation from all of the little flowers that came out of the rain.
Now, I am older, and I face these poignant memories of Donna’s death. Its autumn, and the colors are beautiful this year. I used to buy her flowers when she was sick all those years that I was her caregiver. They would never fail to cheer her up.
Over the months, some have commented saying things like “who did I really buy those flowers for?”
Whenever I bought some, I would spend some time photographing them. “I need the practice,” I would say with a sheepish grin. We would have these great discussions on how beautiful they looked. I noticed how those flowers would brighten the room and add some cheer to the day for us both. The autumn colors today reflect al this and much more.
That first year or two after, I am told is always “very hard.” By the sounds of it, I am supposed to go into some kind of grief and remorse, have caniption fits, and generally have a big “poor me” session for this kind of thing. I am told that I have “lost her love;” and people say
“sorry for your loss.”
Well, I may have lost the relationship that we had. But how can one “lose” love? I have never understood that. That love she left me in my heart, will always be there. Like the flowers I love, that love in my heart will continue to flourish and grow. And so I find much gratitude in my heart today.
I have used that love from my wife’s heart to mine, as a resource, almost as a mentor if you will, to continue, rather than “lose” our love. I mean, its in my heart. Does it really have anywhere else to go? Except, perhaps to someone else’s broken heart?
So for this moment of memories, I am planting flowers in my little cabin. Lots of them. I will use them to bring cheer to the people in my life, and to add a dimension of brightness and colors to my own home. When I think of these flowers and how they flourish and grow inspite of the storms of grief and loss, I look forward to seeing them all come to life over the coming winter, and adding growth, and uplifting thoughts to anyone who sees them.
Little Flowers In The rain.
These seem a fitting tribute to the love I have experienced in my life, and to whatever future love that awaits my reception.
I share all of the love that I have had, and add it to what I experience today. I have not “lost” her love. I simply continue with it. I have a photograph on my wall that I took. And the caption I put on it says:
“all of me, loves all of you.”
Its how I lived my life with Donna, and developed new growth, with the people now set in my path. I continue with all those good things from my past, into all of the love I experience now.
Yes, there are things to celebrate today!
And all because of little flowers.
I give all the credit to God. He has made me glad. By His power; I live in love with others today. And I think its certainly, in part, because of many little flowers. By the grace of God, I am living in faith and love today.
Perhaps, I will soon have the most colorful cabin in the mountains this winter? Perhaps someone will be a little happier when they see their growth and beauty? I hope and pray that someone’s day will be a little brighter, as they grow into full bloom.
Memories of our loved ones don’t have to be an “ending.” It doesn’t need to be a mountain of inconsolable grief. I don’t need to fall apart. Pictured above is Donna and I when we first met, and again, just before she died. We enjoyed all the little flowers as long as she could. And the picture of her sitting in my lap by all those beautiful flowers, was the last time she was able to go outside.
But for today, she is inside.
My heart.
Remember, amidst all the craziness today, to love those placed in your path.. Love them actively, not passively, for we do not know when that last day will come for anyone we love. Love now, not later, when its “more convenient.”
Live in faith and love.
With no regrets.